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Q When is a farmer like a from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
Q: When is a farmer like a magician? A: When he turns his cow to pasture.

How did the aliens hurt the farmer from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn.

Tell me said the hiker to the from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
"Tell me," said the hiker to the local farmer, "will this pathway take me to the main road?" "No, sir," replied the farmer, "you'll have to go by yourself!"

A farmer lived on a quiet rural from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY And that really sped them up. So the f armer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers." So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And writte n in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

A farmer was interviewing a young man from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
A farmer was interviewing a young man for the job of assistant farmhand. `You'll need to be fit,' said the farmer. `Have you ever had any illnesses? Any accidents?' 'No, sir,' replied the young man proudly. `But you're on crutches. You must have had an accident!' said the farmer. `Oh, the crutches!' said the young man. `A bull tossed me last week. But that wasn't an accident! He did it on purpose!'

An old farmer is driving down a from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem. "Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench." He says. He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and several small black children playing in the yard. The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey Wrench?" "What?" She yells back. "A Monkey Wrench!!?" He screams. "What?" "MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY WRENCH!!?" "Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"

A farmer and his girlfriend were out from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses. "Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the same." "Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."

A husband and wife were driving down from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy hollow in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

An accountant is in a car travelling from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?" The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two." The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he says. "How did you work that out so fast?" "Easy," says the accountant "I counted the number of feet and divided by 4."

A farmer gets sent to jail and from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?" The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried." But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon. The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."

On a drive in the country a from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another. "Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?" "Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"

There was a farmer who had a from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?" "Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?" "Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer. Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?" "Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer. Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

A farm boy was drafted On his from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his Father asked him what he thought of Army life. "It's pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."

An agriculture student said to a farmer from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples." "I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".

There was a farmer who raised watermelons from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".

A man was driving down a quiet from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."

A hindu priest rabbi and a lawyer from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow. Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork. Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the p ig!

Liam had left Dublin to go up from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side." He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans." "Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at h er, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"

An outoftowner drove his car into a from Flashcomment Farmer jokes Jokes
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"